I've HAD IT!

With Cancer!!!!

Christ Almighty, it's totally freaking ripping our family apart mentally and emotionally!  My Dad now has only God KNOWS how much longer to live, and it's killing me!  I have never seen him this bad.  Usually he has his bad days, but relapses and feels great the next.  No. Even THAT isn't happening at this point.  His whole body is becoming more yellow (from his liver not functioning correctly), his eyes are becoming glassy, he's forgetting who I AM for God's sake! He realizes it is me, still-- but at some points, he asks who's right above him by the bed, when I am right there talking to him.  His vision is going. His hearing is DEFINITELY going. His body..... has become so skinny that it breaks my heart.

I hate having to accept the fact that he's close to death... that it'll just creep up onto him, and he can't fight it.  He can't even lift his head that high anymore.... and he always sleeps.   I just don't know what to do. 
If God is going to take him soon.... I pray in my heart that he doesn't go with a tremendous amount of pain.  That he'll close his eyes, Hospice will do their thing, and he'll pass peacefully. In my heart, I KNOW that it won't be much longer, now.... if he makes it to July, I will truly be shocked.  I don't see that happening.  Mom doesn't either... and I think in his heart, he doesn't, as well.
Keep the prayers going, everyone-- I really appreciate it!


-Wendy R. Berry

It's been Forever... And This is the WORST.

I Know It's Been Awhile...

It has been.  We've all been busy around here lately. Big time.  Bear is just slowly getting worse... needing to take morphine and his other pain killers constantly. (And I mean that... it's like 2-3 doses within an hour and a half).  He's in THAT much pain.
It kills me!
His liver hurts. His chest hurts. His stomach hurts.  His arms and legs are tiny and weak, and he has muscle spasms that attack his whole body.

I HATE CANCER............ I HATE IT, HATE IT HATEEEEE IT! Can't it just f***** die?! I'm sorry to cuss, but this is the WORST.  I don't think he'll live past June...
It kills me to say that... but I know it in my heart to be true.
Usually Bear would have days when he's in pain, but relapse and feel great the next.
It's not like that now.
And it's just going to get worse.
Someone please hug me, and let me know that it'll be okay? *Sighs* I don't know if I can handle this.

-WRB

Love is a Beautiful Thing...

I can say that honestly now.

And I never knew what it truly felt like.  Sure, I'd had my fair share of crushes.

But this is different.

I honestly think that I'm in love... :) and it's the most wonderful thing in the whole, wide world.

When I am with the person whom I love... I feel like the rest of my problems don't matter- that my dad's cancer and bad days don't have to always mean the worst for me.

No....
When I'm with this person... they hold me, kiss me, and make me feel like everything will be alright- somehow.  I can't stop the pain- but being with them makes me feel... somewhat numb for the while.

<3

"When my world is falling apart, when there's no light to break up the dark...
That's when I- I look at you."

-Miley Cyrus
(Yes- I just quoted her... but that song is so worth it) :-)

I may not be happy...
I cry my eyes out when I think about this whole process and how much longer my dad has to live...
But I smile because I know that we've shared wonderful moments together... and I know that I'm not alone throughout this situation.

-Wendy R. Berry

THANKS, Mariella! :) ((Everything to know about me currently))

I was tagged, so here goes!

I was tagged in a writing meme and I’ve never done one of these before, so I’m excited about it. They’re good questions and I’m excited to see what answers I come up with for them. Here goes!
If you could go back in time and relive one moment, what would it be?
Oh- you've got to be kidding me...?
Um- probably when I received my high school diploma last May.  I didn't shake the hands of the school board members like I was SUPPOSED to, and felt like a 'tard. Yes. I admit. Plus- I would've hugged that tall, intimidatingly scary guy who is now the head honcho at my former high school. You KNOW who you are. ;)

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
I don't even know....
I believe that things happen for a probable reason.  I can't go back and change anything anyway- so why worry?

What movie/TV character do you most resemble in personality?
It's hard to say this, but Veronica (AKA) Ronnie Miller from "The Last Song."  My dad currently has cancer, and the struggles she goes through in the movie with HER dad's cancer reminds me a lot of myself.  Plus- I'm not a very "open" individual, just like Ronnie.  It takes a lot to get me to open up.
If you could push one person off a cliff and get away with it, who would it be?
Hahahahaha......... NO COMMENT. ;)

Name one habit you want to change in yourself.
I have always lacked just that TINY bit of confidence when it comes to everything in general- I'm not a go-getter like I wish I were.  My alter-ego is this kick-ass, rocking amazing woman who will speak her mind, tell you what she's thinking, and not give a damn what negative things you say about her.  I personally cannot do that- not yet, at least.


Describe yourself in one word.
Unique. A Dreamer. Musician. Philosopher. (Okay I know that's more than one... but they are all true)! :)

Describe the person who named you in this meme in one word.
Freakin' amazing. (That's 2... but come ON)! :)

Why do you blog? Answer in one sentence.
Because I like to let others know about what I really think, and what's going on in my life.

Name at least 1 person to send this meme to, and then inform them.

-Mariella.

(Okay you already did this... but so did I now)! :)

Make Me Fly (Never Stop Lovin' You)

Make Me Fly (Never Stop Lovin’ You)

I’m not the type to fall easily

For that to happen-

One must see me

I never thought that this would happen

Not now, not ever

But….

I know now that love is worth fighting for

I look at your face- your eyes

And I know that I’m ready for war!

You make me happy, blissful and sky high

You Make Me Fly

You hold my hand, my heart

I miss every second

That we are apart

You have such amazing style

Damn!

You really know how to make me smile!

I’m only complete, when I’m with you

-Lola B  ((May 1, 2011))