God, I hate this...
This cycle.
This everyday feeling like I'm hopeless.
This... bullshit.
ALL OF IT.
I want it to end and just be done so badly. That he and we didn't have to suffer! But that can't happen.
Anti-Depressants.
The pills that make me numb-minded and bodied... forcing me to smile. Leaving me with an empty soul, and no hope...
Do you think that I like feeling like that? That life is so damn shitty right now that I have to take them in the first place?! HELL NO!
....
Do you care? Do you see?
Or did you never care, and just act like you do?
Well damn it... the act is up.
I want someone to freakin' care!
Actually give a DAMN about how much this is killing me inside and out.
Mentally and physically.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.
GOD....
Is that so much to ask?!?
This Blog is to currently inform all of you followers about my life currently, after the loss of my amazing Dad, Bear. Personal and spiritual, happy and sad. Good and bad. It's my blog, and a side of my Aspieness that most don't get to experience- unless they truly know me. Well- through this, you'll get to know me. For who I truly am. The Aspie Girl.
That is not too much to ask. Wendy...my heart aches for you now, and I don't know if I have the words to say. I want to tell you that you're loved, and that this is a horrible screwy time of life and that you don't ever have to pretend it's not. I want you to know that, even though I'm hours and hours away, I am still here if ever you need me, day or night. You should know that I'm not the only one that feels this way, that there are those of us out here who wish we could make the pain go away, to take it off your shoulders. You are so brave, and so strong. You are dealing with something that hurts beyond measure in a way that is full of grace, and beauty, and courage. I don't think I could ever handle this with as much Christ-like-ness as you are. Wendy, I love you. wE (me & God) love you. I am praying for you, and Bear, and will continue to. Close your eyes for a moment, and feel me reaching through the computer to give you a HUGE HUG!!! And remember, I won't stop until you're ready for me to let go. I love you. ~aims~
ReplyDeleteI posted a long comment here but blogger ate it :( I LOVE YOU, SIS. And I wish I could do something to make this better. All I can do is pray for you and REMEMBER that none of this is to hurt you--GOD only does things for our own good (even when we don't understand it yet!!)
ReplyDeleteI'll ttyl on chat! <3
Wendy, just found your blog- I can't imagine how hard going through this is for you. I think of you and your family often. I'm glad you are writing.
ReplyDeleteCast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22
I just looked over at your about me page- and saw your birthday Sept. 13th 1991- you were born 3 and 1/2 months after I graduated from high school- I remember when your mother was pregnant with you-my how time flies. Love you-April